Gettin' by

As I was driving back from dropping Leah off at school a few mornings ago, I got stopped beside the construction workers who were preparing to work on the road.  I sat and watched them for awhile before the light turned green.  Old, young, middle aged, all with smiles on their faces.  It occurred to me that, no matter what any of us do for a living, we are all working for the same goal, to just get by and see another day.  Whether you are a teacher, a preacher, a construction worker, fast food worker, or a parent, we are all ultimately striving for the same thing.

Life can be tough, there are plenty of twists and turns and ups and downs.  There are a lot of heartaches and things that touch your heart.  Life is not guaranteed.  I was thinking, this morning, that life would be so much better if everyone just chose to be kind.  Let go of the bitterness, let go of the drama, let go of the hate, let go of all of it and just live!

I know I am not the best parent, I try, but fail often.  I am impatient, I yell, I get frustrated.  I know I am not the best friend, either.  I have friends that I haven't talked to in a long time and I miss them.  I have friends that I love so dearly, and I never want to let them down, but I am sure I do.  With every role I have:  mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, I could do better.  Everyone has their moments, but I need to start focusing on the bigger picture and stop letting the small things bring me down.  Everyone has their own struggles, everyone has battles within themselves.  I am terribly insecure, but I am trying to work on it.  It is hard sometimes, but I don't want to be limited by myself.  I just wonder how much more positive the world would be if everyone could let go of their fears and  insecurities that are holding them back.

There is really no point to this blog.  Just some random, rambling thoughts that were on my mind.  Maybe, also, a reminder for myself to choose kindness, let go of the issues that hold me back, and be thankful that I have another day to work on those things.

Pool passes, pirate boat, and a puppy

Summer Break is OVER and that makes me so terribly sad. If that saying "time flies when you're having fun" is true, then we must have had the most amazing and fun summer ever! As I dropped the kids off for their first day of school, I thought to myself, "weren't we JUST doing this a few days ago?"

Summer Break was a fun one for the Johnston's.  We had many adventures, ranging from ice cream picnics out back to vacationing in Florida.  We normally frequent Paradise Cove water park a few times a summer, but this year, I thought, "Shoot, we are gonna get some season passes and stay at the pool ALL SUMMER."  So, I fork out the $$$ (which means I charged it) and - just like that - we were season pass holders.  Then, it proceeded to rain, and rain, and rain...That darn Mother Nature...

Vacation was good this year, back to the same ole condo at the same ole Florida.  What can I say?  We are creatures of habit and stick with what we know.  We splashed around in the ocean (which means the family splashed around while I cautiously scanned the area for potential life threatening creatures).  Only thing that we spotted were some fish and mole crabs (AKA baby sea turtles...long story).  The pirate boat cruise was a little disappointing this year. 

1) the cute pirate captain from last year had been replaced by a "not as cute" pirate captain **tear**

2) due to the tropical storm that had been out in the sea, the water in the Gulf was very murky and we couldn't see any ocean life as we sailed along

3) well, I don't have a #3, so we will just leave it with the uncute pirate captain and murky waters

Leah drove a go-kart for the first time, while we were in Florida, and I think she is hooked.  Makes me fearful to think that she could be driving a "for real" car in 4 years.  (Geez, I am getting old)

We ate at new places which, for anyone who knows me, is HUGE.  I am, as referred to before, a creature of habit.  When I go to a restaurant, I get the same thing every time because it is what I know.  New places scare me a little bit.  However, I put on my big girl undies (size large as a matter of fact) and tried new places.  I must say, I was not let down.  Maybe I should try to be more adventurous all the time.  **SHUDDER**

One of the highlights for me, this summer, was going to the ONE DIRECTION concert with Leah.  If y'all know my child, you know she lives, breathes, and dreams One Direction.  Brad got her tickets on Father's Day and I went with her.  It was amazing and such a wonderful thing to see her so excited.  Anytime we hear them or see them on TV now, we always say "We saw them with our naked eyes."  It was loads of fun and I am so glad she got to go!  

This summer, we also got a new family member, Gemma Grace the doberman.  She truly is the sweetest girl and is quickly becoming a very dear member of our family.  She keeps us laughing and fussing every day.  The other animals have "adjusted" to her decent (which means they try to avoid her).  What an adventure we are having with her!  

Sadly, we also lost a family member, Jasmine the Guinea Pig.  I held her as she took her last breath and we miss her and her squeakiness.  We had her for 6 years.  RIP Jazzy.

That about sums up the summer adventures, I reckon.   

Here are some random summer pics for your viewing pleasure...

The Story of a Shoe

My dearly, beloved Nikes had some issues awhile back.  A floppy sole.  I had every intention of hot gluing it back on, but never got around to it.  One day, while walking the dogs in the back yard, it was damaged beyond any hope of repair.  I know that I might be strange, well, we have all established that I'm strange already, but I get sad when I have to buy new shoes.  I like my old shoes.  Sometimes, I think about my shoes and the stories they could tell if they could.  

My Nike shoes were good, they fit, they were comfy, they went many places.  My Nike shoes carried me through Washington, D.C.  Through the streets where I am sure many famous people have walked.  My shoes took me in the US Capitol, and hurried me to the bathroom while we were in there and I had severe intestinal distress!  They walked me in front of the White House and through Arlington Cemetery.  They stood on the stairs while we watched the Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of  Unknown Soldier.  They walked me up to the Washington Monument, through the Library of Congress, and past the Supreme Court.

My kids at the WWII Memorial - we loved this memorial since my Grandad is a WWII veteran

My shoes also got me through Destin, Florida...along with my trusty flip flops :)  We had some great family times on vacation.  We went on a pirate cruise and saw dolphins, went to a zoo where Brad got in trouble for picking up a bird named Silver.  We ate a lot and laughed a lot.  

I also think about my shoes and how many times they have walked me into my Grandad's house for a visit.  I loved growing up in his house, all the good times, the laughs, and jokes that have been told in that house.  Grandad and Granny's house was a one room school house "way back in the day."  I think about the kids that ran around that house, just like we used to when we were kids, and like my kids today do. All the times we slid down the hill on a card board box. My shoes carry me to the places that make me remember the good times.  Although my Granny is gone, going in that house is still one of my favorite things, because I know that my Grandad's smiling face will be waiting for me!  

Before I toss my worn shoes into the trash, I wanted to give them one last shout out by doing this blog.  My Nikes were good to me and we made lots of memories together.  I am looking forward to making new memories and going new places with my new shoes!

Goodbye to my grey and pink Nike's - we had good times together!

9/11

I think that there are certain things that happen in life, those tragic moments, that etch themselves in our minds forever.  For me, the Challenger explosion, the O.J. Simpson chase, Princess Diana's death, and especially 9/11.  

Eleven years ago, I was a new Mama to a beautiful baby girl.  It was the day I was supposed to take her to Walmart for her 4 month pictures.  Leah and I would spend our mornings downstairs in our apartment, watching the Today Show and sometimes talking to my Granny on the phone.  That morning is one that was a morning of uncertainty.  

I was watching the Today Show with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric and talking to my Granny on the phone after the first tower was struck by the plane.  It was such an uncertain time.  Nobody knew what was happening.  Was it just an accident?  Nobody seemed to know...until that 2nd plane hit.  I remember the fear in my Granny's voice, the fear in my own mind, the fear on the faces of the news people.  Terrifying.  

Living in Berea, at the time, we were close to the Army Depot and we all decided it was best if Leah and I went to my mom's.  It was such a scary time because nobody knew what was going to happen next.  This terrorist attack hit and it felt like the whole world was filled with uncertainty and scary possibilities.  Driving to Stanford, I remember glancing at the sky every chance I could, looking for air craft that might be heading our way.  It was just a time that nobody could be fore sure what was happening next.  

The footage of the towers collapsing was horrifying and heart breaking.  The plane that went down in Pennsylvania was filled with such brave souls, and such heart breaking stories.  

The days, weeks, and months after the 9/11 attacks were filled with personal accounts of loss and heroism.  

Eleven years have gone by and I still find myself thinking about the confusion that the World Trade Center people must have felt.  The fear that the people on the planes must have felt.  I wonder what was going through their mind as they watched their plane heading for the World Trade Center.  Were their thoughts on God?  Were their thoughts about their families?  Were their minds too filled with fear to even think about anything.  I don't know.  I don't want to ever find out what those few moments are like before a tragic end like that.  

The people on the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania had a chance to call loved ones.  They had a chance to pray.  They were heroes.  But as much as their heroics warm my heart, it also breaks my heart.  Those people knew that they weren't going to make it out of that situation alive.  

The people in the World Trade Center, those people who went to work, like every other day, I wonder what their morning was like that day.  The usual hustle and bustle of getting kids off to school, fighting the traffic to get to work on time, meetings, appointments...the day-to-day aggravating stuff that everyone takes for granted.  If only they'd of known what was in store for them, I am sure that they would have cherished every complaint from their child that morning, every beep of that alarm clock, every car that cut them off and made them curse.  The first responders who arrived at the World Trade Center, just doing their jobs, helping people.  The ones that didn't make it out...that lost their lives trying to SAVE others.  I'm sure that, if they could, they'd tell us now that they were just doing their jobs, and they'd do it all over again if they had to.  That's the kind of people that they are...

I guess we all need to live like that.  Don't take things for granted, appreciate all that happens in our lives, even the aggravations, even the negatives.  One day, for all of us, our end will come...we don't know the day, the hour, or the minute, but God does.  We all need to get our lives right with God, we all need to prepare and be ready because one day, our lives will be over.  I pray that our country never has another tragedy like the 9/11 attacks.  The vulnerability and the uncertainty.  The fear and the tears.  Things that I pray our country never feels again.  

So today, as always, I am HONORED to be an AMERICAN.   I am PROUD of our MILITARY, past and present.  I am HUMBLED by the people who lost their lives 11 years ago.  Eleven years have passed...but I know that none of us have forgotten what happened that tragic day.

I'm Scared!!!

As I was cutting the black dead parts off of our Venus Flytrap, I found myself hoping that it didn't snap close on my finger and eat me.  I know, a little far-fetched, but really, it scares me.

This got me to thinking...I'm scared of a lot of things, actually.  Here are some of the things that frighten me.

1) Venus Flytrap

2) The metal thingy on the aluminum foil box

3) Can openers - the ones that saw around a can, not the ones that poke a hole in a can

4) Razors - it's a wonder I ever shave my legs!

5) Cheese grater (is that right?  Surely it isn't "grader?")  One time I accidentally hit my finger while I was shredding cheese and it gave me a boo boo 

6) The Darkness - criminals lurk in the dark, I just know it!

7) Sleeping in tents at Girl Scout camp

8) Bats

9) Snakes

10) Creepy brown spiders in the garage

11)  Black widow spiders

12) Robbers

13) Guns

14) Knives - I have only recently started using "real" knives instead of butter knives!

15) Tornadoes 

16) Earthquakes that might crack the ground open and I will fall in the crack and be smushed 

17) A world with no chocolate

18) Heart attacks

19) The fear of not making it home when I have to poop (don't judge)

20) driving to a new place or having to find parking at an unfamiliar place

Thank you for your time and attention as I lay my fears out for y'all to read about.   

Where have I been?

WHERE HAVE I BEEN??!!!

I'm sure that is a question that you, my Facebook friends, and followers, have been plagued with for months now.  Well, be plagued no longer...I'M BACK (I hope!)

Shew - you all know how life can just keep you so busy sometimes that you feel that you never stop.  That's how I feel.  I don't know how you working Mama's juggle all that you do.  Kids are never ending needy little creatures.  Dogs are pretty doggone (look at me trying to be pun'ful!) needy too!  

A school year has ended and another has begun since my last blog post.  Leah graduated from 5th grade and has now started middle school  *tear*

Graduation Day!

Logan graduated Kindergarten and is now a big 1st grader.  He is still as crazy as ever!

Kindergarten Graduation day!

Summer break FLEW BY!  We had a very busy summer, starting off with a fabulous trip to DC with the Girl Scouts.  Sleeping on a tour bus going a thousand miles an hour around curvy roads in the middle of the night was an "experience," but we survived and had a great time!!!  It was so much fun to see all of the sights in DC that I had only saw on TV up to that point.  We have an amazing Girl Scout troop!!!

After DC, we had about a month and then we left for Destin, Florida which is one of our most favorite places in the world.  Crystal clear water, white sandy beaches.  We love it there.  

We also went to Harlan to spend a couple days with my in-laws so the cousins could play.  Visited with my Grandad, too.  We frequented the Paradise Cove water park several times as well.

Now that the kids are in school, this is the first time I have had the whole day to myself.  Last year, Logan was in Kindergarten for half a day.  A lot of people have asked what I am going to do with myself...and I have a good answer...WHATEVER I WANT!  I do hope to complete some household projects that I have found on Pinterest.  Today, I put peel-n-stick floor tiles on the wire shelves in my pantry.  I like it so much, I might buy more and put in the bathroom closet.  My stock-pile of Bath and Body Works would sit rather nicely on them, I do think!  I also hope to BLOG some more since I really enjoy rambling, and there's no one here to listen to me now!  I'm sure that the hubby would recommend that I do some house cleaning.  To be honest, though, who wants to clean the house?!  Maybe I will try that AFTER I catch up on my sleep, catch up on my DVR'd shows, and FINISH some projects.  Sounds good to me!

Here's to a good school year!  

Faith, Hope, and Love

Eight years ago, I went through one of the most horrible things I had ever experienced.  At 11 weeks along, I lost the baby I was carrying.  It absolutely devastated me.  It was, physically, horrible, and even worse emotionally.  I am not really sure if anyone knows how much losing this baby affected me, but also, in the long run, made me a better person.

Leah was 2 1/2 when I lost this baby...I had to keep functioning for her, but it was hard.  I got to the point that I was terrified to leave my house.  My thinking was that I couldn't protect the child that was growing in me, how could I possibly protect Leah when there were so many dangers in the outside world?!  It took me awhile to finally convince myself that it was OK - that God would protect her when I couldn't.  Losing a child, whether it is a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a tragedy or illness, does something to you, I think.  It makes you think strange things sometimes.  When I lost this baby, this was also when my OCD of germs and the love of hand sanitizer came about.  We had all had a horrible stomach virus right before I lost this baby and I was convinced that I got the virus from eating at a buffet and touching the handles of the spoons that you get the food out with.  Is this what happened?  I don't know, but like I said, your mind thinks of every "what-if" there is.

People say dumb stuff when you have a tragedy.  I realized that rather quickly.  I had people telling me that it was OK and that I had Leah.  People told me that there was probably something wrong with the baby and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that for the rest of my life.  People told me that it was OK, I could have another baby.  People just didn't understand, I soon discovered.  All I really needed to hear was, "I'm sorry..."  I finally found a book that was wonderful - "Silent Grief."  It made me realize that people who had not been through something, could never begin to understand what you were going through.  I also found a wonderful forum online - Born Angels - where I met some amazing women who had gone through some great losses.  The forum eventually shut down, I think, but I still have three women I met from there that I am friends with on Facebook.  Even though I have never met them face-to-face, I honestly can say that I feel like I could talk to them about anything.  They are amazing women!

Through all the heartache, however, come some absolutely wonderful things.  This baby that I wanted so badly, but never got a chance to meet, taught me about faith, hope, and love.  Yes, I know, sounds like something you find sitting on a store shelf somewhere or hanging on the wall in a home.  But it is true.  The night that I lost my baby, I put every ounce of faith I had into God and what his decision was concerning this baby...I had been having some trouble and was terrified that I was going to lose the baby.  That night, I finally turned it all over to him and told him that I knew that he had a plan, that he had a reason, and that he was in control and that no matter what he did, I would deal with it.  It was the hardest prayer that I have ever prayed, but I had the FAITH that he knew what he was doing and that whatever happened, it was OK.  I woke up a few hours later and my baby was gone...I also had to rely a lot on Faith to get me through - keeping that faith that God had great things in store for me was all I had at times.

I also had to cling to HOPE - I hoped for a baby, I hoped that if I got pregnant again, it would last.  I found a verse that helped me out tremendously after my loss:  "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31.  I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have read this verse in the past 8 years.  It kept me going during the times that I didn't think I could go anymore.

And LOVE - ahhh yes - love.  This baby, and the one we lost 8 months later, taught me so much about LOVE.  Unconditional love.  Love for someone that you never got to meet, never got to see, never knew if they were a boy or girl.  Love for a child is like no other kind of love and it isn't a love that dies, even if your child does.  The love I had for Brad and Leah kept me going.  The love I had for my lost babies kept me going. And the love that I had for a future baby kept me going.

In the long run, my angel babies made me a better person...Losing my baby got me back in church, I don't know if I have ever felt closer to God than I did after my miscarriage.  I totally had to give everything to him in order to make it through.  I also learned that grief is something that people experience differently and that there is no timetable on grief.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no exact way to work through your grief. Losing my babies made me a more caring person, a better listener, and gave me a softer heart I think.  I also learned that you can never know what a person is going through just by looking at them.  There is so much more to a person than what you see on the outside.  Even though they are smiling on the outside, they could be crying on the inside.  That's one reason that I always "try" to have a good attitude and to be nice to everyone, even if they seem mean or hateful.  There's no way of knowing what a person is dealing with internally.

So, today, eight years after my first lost and 7 years and 3 months after my 2nd loss, I thought it was fitting to write a blog about my babies.  Although there is no grave to visit, no pictures, and a lot of people have probably forgotten what today is, my babies are still a part of me.  I know that they are together, with my Granny, and waiting on me to come HOME one day!  Until then, I will spend my time here, taking care of their sister and brother and keep the FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE going!!!