Reflection...

Sometimes I like to think back to my life, years back, and reflect on things...It is hard to think about where I was 6 years ago, but I am happy to see how far we've come and how truly blessed we have been.  The end of October, six years ago, was when I lost my baby.  We'd already lost one in January of 2004 and I was so excited to be pregnant again, although terrified at the same time. Anyone who has had a loss can tell you that you lose all innocence where pregnancy is concerned after you have had a loss.  You know all too well that things can happen.

I remember the morning I woke up, ready to babysit my neighbors baby.  I will spare you the details, but I called her and told her that I needed to get to the doctor.  I went in, hoping and praying that my baby was OK, but the ultrasound determined otherwise.  I saw my little bitty baby on the screen, with no heart beat.  I don't think that words can truly describe that feeling.  The moment of utter helplessness, of one of the greatest despairs a mother can ever have.  My baby that I had not even met was...gone...again...

The next day I was scheduled for a D&C.  That was one of the saddest moments of my life, going into the operating room, knowing that when I come out, my baby was going to be gone forever.  The room was cold.  I remember two techs in there, talking and laughing.  I remember the silent tears that fell down my cheeks as I touched my stomach one last time and said a silent goodbye to my baby.

I remember going home, and it was trick-or-treating day.  It was so terribly hard to put on a happy face and try to be there for Leah while I was aching, physically and emotionally.  I remember crying for my lost babies.  I remember how my arms would actually ache with the need to hold my babies.

Six years ago was the lowest point in my life.  I still think about my lost babies, about what they might have been, what they might have looked like, what they might be like.  I feel secure in knowing that one day, I will see my babies in Heaven.  Until then, I know that they are safe and never have to know any heartache or pain.  There were two very specific Bible verses that got me through my losses.  I have an angel in my curio cabinet that has one of the verses on it...

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer 29:11 (NIV)

I can not tell you how many times I read those verses through all of my heartache.  Thank you GOD for getting me through!

I am so thankful that we have our little Logan now, he was truly my little gift from God.  Leah is also my precious gift because, without having her, I don't know how I would have pulled myself through all the grief.  Six years...it can make a lot of difference!!!

One Day at a Time

One day at a time, that's all I'm asking of you...give me the strength to do everyday, what I have to do...Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine.  So for my sake, teach me to take, one day at a time...

This was one of my Granny's favorite songs and I think that it really applied to her life.  Especially when her arthritis got so bad and her bad days greatly outnumbered her good ones.  She would always say that she took it, "one day at a time."

I realize that my kids are getting older, but sometimes you just have those really big moments where you realize that they are growing up so fast it isn't even real.  I had one of those moments yesterday when we went out to carve pumpkins.  Leah and Logan had both picked one out and decided what they wanted their pumpkin carved into.  As we were cutting the tops off, Leah got very bored with it and said, "I'm going back inside."  That was a very eye opening moment for me.  My baby girl is not a baby girl anymore.  At almost 9 1/2 years old, she isn't amused by the things that we once loved to do and found fun.  Where did that time go?  I can't believe that she's growing up so much.  I got her a pair of shoes to wear with her Halloween costume yesterday.  She had to get a size EIGHT in women's?!!!  My heart breaks to think of the little girl that she's leaving behind, but hopes that the young lady she's turning into is a great one!

I look at Logan and he's my last baby...only, my baby is now 4 1/2 years old.  He'll be 5 in February, start school in August, and leave me home alone - with only the dogs.  I know that it is months away, but I am already having a hard time thinking about sending him off to school.   He's been with me every day of his life except for Girl Scout camp when I was gone two nights and once or twice when he spent the night at my mom's.  He's my little sweet heart...he tells me I'm pretty several times a day, that he loves me, that I'm his favorite Mommy in all the life.  He's my little ball of energy, the house is never quiet when he's awake!  I'm so going to miss him when he starts school next year.

I guess all of these realizations is making me more aware of how much we need to cherish each and every day that we have.  Yesterday's gone...and tomorrow may never be mine...so for my sake, teach me to take, one day at a time.