Reflection...

Sometimes I like to think back to my life, years back, and reflect on things...It is hard to think about where I was 6 years ago, but I am happy to see how far we've come and how truly blessed we have been.  The end of October, six years ago, was when I lost my baby.  We'd already lost one in January of 2004 and I was so excited to be pregnant again, although terrified at the same time. Anyone who has had a loss can tell you that you lose all innocence where pregnancy is concerned after you have had a loss.  You know all too well that things can happen.

I remember the morning I woke up, ready to babysit my neighbors baby.  I will spare you the details, but I called her and told her that I needed to get to the doctor.  I went in, hoping and praying that my baby was OK, but the ultrasound determined otherwise.  I saw my little bitty baby on the screen, with no heart beat.  I don't think that words can truly describe that feeling.  The moment of utter helplessness, of one of the greatest despairs a mother can ever have.  My baby that I had not even met was...gone...again...

The next day I was scheduled for a D&C.  That was one of the saddest moments of my life, going into the operating room, knowing that when I come out, my baby was going to be gone forever.  The room was cold.  I remember two techs in there, talking and laughing.  I remember the silent tears that fell down my cheeks as I touched my stomach one last time and said a silent goodbye to my baby.

I remember going home, and it was trick-or-treating day.  It was so terribly hard to put on a happy face and try to be there for Leah while I was aching, physically and emotionally.  I remember crying for my lost babies.  I remember how my arms would actually ache with the need to hold my babies.

Six years ago was the lowest point in my life.  I still think about my lost babies, about what they might have been, what they might have looked like, what they might be like.  I feel secure in knowing that one day, I will see my babies in Heaven.  Until then, I know that they are safe and never have to know any heartache or pain.  There were two very specific Bible verses that got me through my losses.  I have an angel in my curio cabinet that has one of the verses on it...

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer 29:11 (NIV)

I can not tell you how many times I read those verses through all of my heartache.  Thank you GOD for getting me through!

I am so thankful that we have our little Logan now, he was truly my little gift from God.  Leah is also my precious gift because, without having her, I don't know how I would have pulled myself through all the grief.  Six years...it can make a lot of difference!!!