I'm Scared!!!

As I was cutting the black dead parts off of our Venus Flytrap, I found myself hoping that it didn't snap close on my finger and eat me.  I know, a little far-fetched, but really, it scares me.

This got me to thinking...I'm scared of a lot of things, actually.  Here are some of the things that frighten me.

1) Venus Flytrap

2) The metal thingy on the aluminum foil box

3) Can openers - the ones that saw around a can, not the ones that poke a hole in a can

4) Razors - it's a wonder I ever shave my legs!

5) Cheese grater (is that right?  Surely it isn't "grader?")  One time I accidentally hit my finger while I was shredding cheese and it gave me a boo boo 

6) The Darkness - criminals lurk in the dark, I just know it!

7) Sleeping in tents at Girl Scout camp

8) Bats

9) Snakes

10) Creepy brown spiders in the garage

11)  Black widow spiders

12) Robbers

13) Guns

14) Knives - I have only recently started using "real" knives instead of butter knives!

15) Tornadoes 

16) Earthquakes that might crack the ground open and I will fall in the crack and be smushed 

17) A world with no chocolate

18) Heart attacks

19) The fear of not making it home when I have to poop (don't judge)

20) driving to a new place or having to find parking at an unfamiliar place

Thank you for your time and attention as I lay my fears out for y'all to read about.   

Where have I been?

WHERE HAVE I BEEN??!!!

I'm sure that is a question that you, my Facebook friends, and followers, have been plagued with for months now.  Well, be plagued no longer...I'M BACK (I hope!)

Shew - you all know how life can just keep you so busy sometimes that you feel that you never stop.  That's how I feel.  I don't know how you working Mama's juggle all that you do.  Kids are never ending needy little creatures.  Dogs are pretty doggone (look at me trying to be pun'ful!) needy too!  

A school year has ended and another has begun since my last blog post.  Leah graduated from 5th grade and has now started middle school  *tear*

Graduation Day!

Logan graduated Kindergarten and is now a big 1st grader.  He is still as crazy as ever!

Kindergarten Graduation day!

Summer break FLEW BY!  We had a very busy summer, starting off with a fabulous trip to DC with the Girl Scouts.  Sleeping on a tour bus going a thousand miles an hour around curvy roads in the middle of the night was an "experience," but we survived and had a great time!!!  It was so much fun to see all of the sights in DC that I had only saw on TV up to that point.  We have an amazing Girl Scout troop!!!

After DC, we had about a month and then we left for Destin, Florida which is one of our most favorite places in the world.  Crystal clear water, white sandy beaches.  We love it there.  

We also went to Harlan to spend a couple days with my in-laws so the cousins could play.  Visited with my Grandad, too.  We frequented the Paradise Cove water park several times as well.

Now that the kids are in school, this is the first time I have had the whole day to myself.  Last year, Logan was in Kindergarten for half a day.  A lot of people have asked what I am going to do with myself...and I have a good answer...WHATEVER I WANT!  I do hope to complete some household projects that I have found on Pinterest.  Today, I put peel-n-stick floor tiles on the wire shelves in my pantry.  I like it so much, I might buy more and put in the bathroom closet.  My stock-pile of Bath and Body Works would sit rather nicely on them, I do think!  I also hope to BLOG some more since I really enjoy rambling, and there's no one here to listen to me now!  I'm sure that the hubby would recommend that I do some house cleaning.  To be honest, though, who wants to clean the house?!  Maybe I will try that AFTER I catch up on my sleep, catch up on my DVR'd shows, and FINISH some projects.  Sounds good to me!

Here's to a good school year!  

Faith, Hope, and Love

Eight years ago, I went through one of the most horrible things I had ever experienced.  At 11 weeks along, I lost the baby I was carrying.  It absolutely devastated me.  It was, physically, horrible, and even worse emotionally.  I am not really sure if anyone knows how much losing this baby affected me, but also, in the long run, made me a better person.

Leah was 2 1/2 when I lost this baby...I had to keep functioning for her, but it was hard.  I got to the point that I was terrified to leave my house.  My thinking was that I couldn't protect the child that was growing in me, how could I possibly protect Leah when there were so many dangers in the outside world?!  It took me awhile to finally convince myself that it was OK - that God would protect her when I couldn't.  Losing a child, whether it is a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a tragedy or illness, does something to you, I think.  It makes you think strange things sometimes.  When I lost this baby, this was also when my OCD of germs and the love of hand sanitizer came about.  We had all had a horrible stomach virus right before I lost this baby and I was convinced that I got the virus from eating at a buffet and touching the handles of the spoons that you get the food out with.  Is this what happened?  I don't know, but like I said, your mind thinks of every "what-if" there is.

People say dumb stuff when you have a tragedy.  I realized that rather quickly.  I had people telling me that it was OK and that I had Leah.  People told me that there was probably something wrong with the baby and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that for the rest of my life.  People told me that it was OK, I could have another baby.  People just didn't understand, I soon discovered.  All I really needed to hear was, "I'm sorry..."  I finally found a book that was wonderful - "Silent Grief."  It made me realize that people who had not been through something, could never begin to understand what you were going through.  I also found a wonderful forum online - Born Angels - where I met some amazing women who had gone through some great losses.  The forum eventually shut down, I think, but I still have three women I met from there that I am friends with on Facebook.  Even though I have never met them face-to-face, I honestly can say that I feel like I could talk to them about anything.  They are amazing women!

Through all the heartache, however, come some absolutely wonderful things.  This baby that I wanted so badly, but never got a chance to meet, taught me about faith, hope, and love.  Yes, I know, sounds like something you find sitting on a store shelf somewhere or hanging on the wall in a home.  But it is true.  The night that I lost my baby, I put every ounce of faith I had into God and what his decision was concerning this baby...I had been having some trouble and was terrified that I was going to lose the baby.  That night, I finally turned it all over to him and told him that I knew that he had a plan, that he had a reason, and that he was in control and that no matter what he did, I would deal with it.  It was the hardest prayer that I have ever prayed, but I had the FAITH that he knew what he was doing and that whatever happened, it was OK.  I woke up a few hours later and my baby was gone...I also had to rely a lot on Faith to get me through - keeping that faith that God had great things in store for me was all I had at times.

I also had to cling to HOPE - I hoped for a baby, I hoped that if I got pregnant again, it would last.  I found a verse that helped me out tremendously after my loss:  "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31.  I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have read this verse in the past 8 years.  It kept me going during the times that I didn't think I could go anymore.

And LOVE - ahhh yes - love.  This baby, and the one we lost 8 months later, taught me so much about LOVE.  Unconditional love.  Love for someone that you never got to meet, never got to see, never knew if they were a boy or girl.  Love for a child is like no other kind of love and it isn't a love that dies, even if your child does.  The love I had for Brad and Leah kept me going.  The love I had for my lost babies kept me going. And the love that I had for a future baby kept me going.

In the long run, my angel babies made me a better person...Losing my baby got me back in church, I don't know if I have ever felt closer to God than I did after my miscarriage.  I totally had to give everything to him in order to make it through.  I also learned that grief is something that people experience differently and that there is no timetable on grief.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no exact way to work through your grief. Losing my babies made me a more caring person, a better listener, and gave me a softer heart I think.  I also learned that you can never know what a person is going through just by looking at them.  There is so much more to a person than what you see on the outside.  Even though they are smiling on the outside, they could be crying on the inside.  That's one reason that I always "try" to have a good attitude and to be nice to everyone, even if they seem mean or hateful.  There's no way of knowing what a person is dealing with internally.

So, today, eight years after my first lost and 7 years and 3 months after my 2nd loss, I thought it was fitting to write a blog about my babies.  Although there is no grave to visit, no pictures, and a lot of people have probably forgotten what today is, my babies are still a part of me.  I know that they are together, with my Granny, and waiting on me to come HOME one day!  Until then, I will spend my time here, taking care of their sister and brother and keep the FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE going!!!

A Blog - because I'm grumpy'ish today

Good morning.  Well.  Not really, but it is proper protocol to say "good morning," so I did.  I'm feeling a bit moody today and a bit tired which is a bad combination for me!  I just felt the need to blog complain about nothing really.  Just some of those little irritations of day to day stuff.

I hate it when people blow their horn at you, for stupid reasons.  If you are sitting at a green light, not playing attention, I see it...if you are sitting at a stop sign, like we were last night, and are trying to pull out onto the busy road, don't blow  your horn at the person in front of you - just because YOU think they should go...when that person feels that it is safe to pull onto the by-pass, they will.  Also, don't blow your horn at someone going through a parking lot, just because they aren't zooming through it like a raving lunatic.  I witnessed some poor elderly couple driving through the mall parking lot the other day, a nice slow speed for a parking lot I thought.  Obviously, the person behind them did not agree and proceeded to ride their bumper, periodically blowing the horn at them. Really???  Get a grip morons.   The elderly couple finally pulled off into a parking place, let the horn blowing morons go on past, and then pulled back out.  I felt so bad for them.  

Dog peeing is annoying too.  I worked my chubby butt off last week, cleaning the carpets and the couches with the carpet cleaner.  Ahh - so proud!  I let Cosmo, my beloved first child, out to pee this morning, which he did, then proceeded to run into the house, wagging his tail like he was a good boy...next, however, he  left me a nice, moist, surprise on the clean carpet.  Sigh.  I love my fuzzy boy, but he tries my patience at times!!!

Coughing sucks.  

Sinus pressure, and sinus headaches, suck.

Ear troubles suck.

People fussing about it being too early to listen to Christmas music  (Brad) are wearing me out too.  I don't see how it is ever too early to sing songs that celebrate the birth of Jesus.  If it were up to me, I would sing Christmas songs year-round!  Now, don't get me wrong, there are some annoying Christmas songs, and I seriously get wore out with them.

I see no point in wind gusts.  They just blow trash in your yard and make your hair look worse than it already is.  

Low tire pressure is getting on my nerves too.  After having put air in my tire twice (girl power!), I check the tire this morning and sure enough, it is LOW again.  I guess I will venture out into the 4,000 mph wind gust and put some more air in it.  Maybe one day my hubby will get up and take it to the tire fixin' place and see what's wrong with it.  I don't see any visible nails or anything else.  

I guess that concludes my gripe fest this morning.  Tomorrow, I might write about things that make me smile instead of things that make me want to punch someone.  Thanks for letting me vent.  We all need an outlet sometimes!

Weekly Update...(is it *really* a weekly update if I just started it this week?)

Good Tuesday evening to all you fine folks.  I say this, even though I thought that yesterday  was Tuesday.  I ran in the bedroom, told Brad I'd be back in 5 minutes after I fed the dogs, rushed downstairs and done what needed doing, dashed back up the stairs and plopped on the bed.  A couple minutes passed and I was like, "Um, why aren't we watching Anarchy?"  Brad looked at me strangely and said, "Because it's Monday."  Yep.  That was a good answer.

I thought I might try to start doing a weekly update of the life and times of Erin and the Johnston's.  Writing all the chaos down sometimes makes it seem not *too* crazy!  

First things first...the hubby had some tests done last week and everything come back OK - THANK YOU LORD!!!  Best case scenario.  Such a relief when you go from bad thoughts to knowing it is all OK.  

Now let's get into the nitty gritty of things...

After I picked the girls up at Orff, we went out to paint pumpkins.  That's when I noticed Margo had some wet looking spot on her lower neck area.  I thought she'd gotten into some motor oil or something.  After scrubbing her with Dawn dish washing liquid and her trying to bite my hand off, I left her alone, and later saw that she'd apparently had an abscess that busted and it was oozing out yellow (and terribly stinky) gunk.  Ugh.  

Cosmo had the runs today.  Yep.  After Leah just gave him a bath yesterday, he repays her by soiling her bedroom carpet.  Don't worry, I got it all cleaned up and hopefully whatever caused that doesn't come back again!

I think that Lily has peed on the green mushy chair AGAIN.  Why can't she just pee in the floor like most bad dogs do???

Sometimes I feel like the animals run my life - just sayin!

We have made it through Leah's two tests Monday & Tuesday.  Lots of studying and don't know how she did yet.  She said the Math test was hard and the Science test was harder than she thought it would be.  I can't really fuss at her if she didn't do well, I know that she studied and she knew everything on her study guide.  Having to go through school as a parent is a lot more stressful than going through it as a child, I think!

Halloween is almost here!  I'm excited but sad at the same time.  After Halloween, I usually start dragging out the Christmas stuff, but honestly, I'm just not ready for Christmas to come yet!

I broke my finger nail trying to use it as a screwdriver on Leah's glasses today.

I have eaten about 45.2 fruit slices - and NOT the good healthy fruit - this is the sugar crystal coated gummy candy I'm talking about.  Ooops.  I sure wish I had will power.  

My hamstring and sciatic nerve are giving me fits today.  I blame it on the lumpy pillow top pad thingy that Brad bought over the weekend while he was in Lexington.

I have a hundred loads of laundry that I need to do.

I painted a pumpkin for Lily & Cosmo with their names on them.  I am going to try to get some pictures of them tomorrow!!!

That's about all I can think of right now...It has been a stressful week so far with waiting for Brad's test results and all the studying for Leah's tests, but we have survived the worst of it I think!  Now, I'm gonna unbutton my britches and let this belly breathe while I kick back with my bottle of water and pack of Smarties and watch Sons of Anarchy because today IS Tuesday.  I'm sure of it this time.

Happy week everybody!

Some random useless information

Sometimes I have random thoughts - well - a lot of times I have random thoughts and thought I'd share them with you all.  I'm just nice like that.

RANDOM & USELESS INFORMATION ABOUT ERIN

1)  Mashed potatoes might be one of my most favorite foods, ever

2)  I have never had my eye browns waxed.  Don't judge.  I'm not girly.  And I'm fairly sure it would hurt

3)  I might have a slight OCD problem with constantly having to do something with my hands.  If I drive, I play with my hair with one hand, if I sit, I play with my fingernails.   If I stand, I usually have my hands clasped together in front of me, or play with my fingernails.   If I'm outside, anywhere near grass, trees, bushes, I have to pluck off a piece and either tie it in knots or tear it into pieces.  The same applies with hay.

4)  I realized, on the hayride over the weekend that BOTH of my kids had to be picking hay, like me, the entire time we were on it

5)  I can not drink plain pop (or soda for you fancy folks).  Well, I guess technically, I "can" drink it.  I just don't like it

6)  I love the smell of Sharpies, rubber cement, spray paint, and gas.  It is a good thing I have a strong will where that stuff is concerned cause I really do like the way it smells!

7)  The one area that I do NOT have a strong will is around candy.  I am a candy junkie.  Cookies too.  And cake.  And ice cream, if it is a good kind...well,  you get the point

8)  This one might amaze some of ya'll - but I am very shy and don't really say  much sometimes.  I always feel like anything I have to say is silly or doesn't matter or make sense or isn't important

9)  While we are discussing my weaknesses, I am always thinking that somebody is mad at me or I have done something to someone to make them not like me.  If you are reading this, I have probably thought you were mad at me or didn't like me at some point in our lives

10)  I hate my sinuses

11)  I really don't like to clean much...but my hubby loves things to be clean...you can imagine the chaos that creates!

12)  The one thing that I really enjoy in life is trying to bring a smile to people's faces or make them laugh...even when I don't feel like it

13)  I have a hard time saying NO to people but I think that I am slightly improving in this area, either that or nobody has really asked anything of me that I have wanted to say no to!

14)  I might be a "slight" hypochondriac and worry over everything.  If my eye twitches, I'll research it to death.  If my side has a pain, I think the end is near.  I got to the point that I was driving myself crazy with analyzing every little twitch or pain in my body, so I am trying to do better...

15)  I love me some bluegrass and bluegrass/gospel music

16)  I miss clogging SOOOO much but my poor knees just don't like it anymore...maybe I should research that knee problem???!!!  LOL

17)  I miss my friends that I don't talk to much anymore...hummm, wonder what I did to make them not talk to me anymore???  (Are seeing what I mean!?!)

18)  I love my animals - so don't mess with them.  I have two dogs, if you don't want them to bark when you come in, or jump on you, then don't come to my house...they live here, you don't.  

19)  I haven't eaten a bowl of cereal in a month or so, I'm not sure why, I just haven't

20)  I love FALL and thankfully Fall is here...pumpkins, mums, Halloween, scarecrows...it's all good!

21)  When people find out I am a stay-at-home mom, I immediately feel my defenses rise, because I think that they assume I'm stupid and can't do anything else.  Not true.  I choose to be a stay-at-home mom because I want to be and because it works for me and Brad

22)  I have learned that you can never tell what a person is going through just by looking at them.  You never know what a person is dealing with.  

23)  I like to stick notes in Brad's lunch box, or the kids, sometimes...I know if somebody made my lunch, it would make me smile to get a note

24)  I like to name my cars...My first car was Otis the Oldsmobile (it was a hand-me-down from Mama).  My next car (that I WORKED *gasp* for and bought) was Sally the Sunbird (I loved her...she was black and had a sunroof.)  Then we had Isabella the Impala.  She was so roomy and red.  She got sick while we were in TN and was doomed.  That's when I got Grayson the Galant which is my current car.  It's OK but not my favorite.

25)  I have terribly bad hair

That's all I got for you...I know, I know...It is probably the most exciting thing you have read in a very long time!!!   

My Old Man...he's pretty fuzzy

My old man, that's Cosmo I'm talking about, not the "hubby," is a great man!  At a whopping 12 years old, he still makes me smile every day.  At 12 years old, however, he is also making me sad because I know that our years together are limited.  I have heard of Shih-tzus living 15, 16, or 17 years, but even that only gives me 3, 4, or 5 more years with my favorite fuzzy guy.

Cosmo has been my best friend ever since we got him.  He was my first baby and, boy, have I treated him like one!  I taught him tricks when he was younger - sit, shake, lay, roll over, and high five.  These days, if I tell him to do something, he usually just falls over on his side and looks at me like, "This is all you're gonna get."  

Cosmo was there when we brought Leah home from the hospital, perched in the window of our little apartment in Berea, wagging his tail.  My mom was there with him and kept telling him that we were going to bring him a baby.  When we got there, he climbed right up on the car seat and sniffed his new "baby," and must have approved because he became Leah's "guardian."  He would lay beside her while she napped. If she cried and I didn't get to her fast enough, he'd come looking for me.  When she wasn't feeling well, he would lay beside of her.  When she would grab his ears as she got older and yank, he'd try really hard not to bite, but would snarl his lip up and look at me angrily.  

My Cosmo has been there for me through many rough times.  He was there with me when I had my first miscarriage.  He lay on the couch with me as I cried.  He was there for me when I had my 2nd miscarriage and let me pet him and talk to him and cry.  He was there for me as I mourned the loss of my beloved Granny.   He has been there for me through the happy times, like when we brought Logan home from the hospital and when we moved to our current home.  He has gone through many birthday parties with us and never stops begging the party-goers for food!

I say, with confidence, that Cosmo is definitely a Mama's boy!  We know each other pretty well...in his old age, he's gotten pretty stubborn and very set in his ways.  He is losing his hearing and I have to talk very loud or get really close to his ear when I talk to him.  We sort of have our own language though, as crazy as that sounds...He knows when I point that he is supposed to go, he knows when I clap my hands or pat my legs that we are going out.  I also know his little perks such as when he sits on the floor and shifts from foot to foot and whines that he needs to go out.  If he wants a drink, trust me, you'll know it!  It never ceases to amaze me that he knows what time he eats and he gets incredibly hyper when it is his supper time. You could practically set your clock by him!  

Yesterday, when the man come to fix our heat, he rang the doorbell...this was something that would always send Cosmo into a barking frenzy of excitement.  However, yesterday, Cosmo never even heard the doorbell - he just kept sleeping.  My guy is getting old...but he's still got a lot of life left in  him.  

I wonder what the future will hold for him...I hope that the rest of his years are good ones for him...Either way, I promise him that I will be there for him - through the good times and the bad - just like he has been for me!