Reflection...

Sometimes I like to think back to my life, years back, and reflect on things...It is hard to think about where I was 6 years ago, but I am happy to see how far we've come and how truly blessed we have been.  The end of October, six years ago, was when I lost my baby.  We'd already lost one in January of 2004 and I was so excited to be pregnant again, although terrified at the same time. Anyone who has had a loss can tell you that you lose all innocence where pregnancy is concerned after you have had a loss.  You know all too well that things can happen.

I remember the morning I woke up, ready to babysit my neighbors baby.  I will spare you the details, but I called her and told her that I needed to get to the doctor.  I went in, hoping and praying that my baby was OK, but the ultrasound determined otherwise.  I saw my little bitty baby on the screen, with no heart beat.  I don't think that words can truly describe that feeling.  The moment of utter helplessness, of one of the greatest despairs a mother can ever have.  My baby that I had not even met was...gone...again...

The next day I was scheduled for a D&C.  That was one of the saddest moments of my life, going into the operating room, knowing that when I come out, my baby was going to be gone forever.  The room was cold.  I remember two techs in there, talking and laughing.  I remember the silent tears that fell down my cheeks as I touched my stomach one last time and said a silent goodbye to my baby.

I remember going home, and it was trick-or-treating day.  It was so terribly hard to put on a happy face and try to be there for Leah while I was aching, physically and emotionally.  I remember crying for my lost babies.  I remember how my arms would actually ache with the need to hold my babies.

Six years ago was the lowest point in my life.  I still think about my lost babies, about what they might have been, what they might have looked like, what they might be like.  I feel secure in knowing that one day, I will see my babies in Heaven.  Until then, I know that they are safe and never have to know any heartache or pain.  There were two very specific Bible verses that got me through my losses.  I have an angel in my curio cabinet that has one of the verses on it...

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer 29:11 (NIV)

I can not tell you how many times I read those verses through all of my heartache.  Thank you GOD for getting me through!

I am so thankful that we have our little Logan now, he was truly my little gift from God.  Leah is also my precious gift because, without having her, I don't know how I would have pulled myself through all the grief.  Six years...it can make a lot of difference!!!

One Day at a Time

One day at a time, that's all I'm asking of you...give me the strength to do everyday, what I have to do...Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine.  So for my sake, teach me to take, one day at a time...

This was one of my Granny's favorite songs and I think that it really applied to her life.  Especially when her arthritis got so bad and her bad days greatly outnumbered her good ones.  She would always say that she took it, "one day at a time."

I realize that my kids are getting older, but sometimes you just have those really big moments where you realize that they are growing up so fast it isn't even real.  I had one of those moments yesterday when we went out to carve pumpkins.  Leah and Logan had both picked one out and decided what they wanted their pumpkin carved into.  As we were cutting the tops off, Leah got very bored with it and said, "I'm going back inside."  That was a very eye opening moment for me.  My baby girl is not a baby girl anymore.  At almost 9 1/2 years old, she isn't amused by the things that we once loved to do and found fun.  Where did that time go?  I can't believe that she's growing up so much.  I got her a pair of shoes to wear with her Halloween costume yesterday.  She had to get a size EIGHT in women's?!!!  My heart breaks to think of the little girl that she's leaving behind, but hopes that the young lady she's turning into is a great one!

I look at Logan and he's my last baby...only, my baby is now 4 1/2 years old.  He'll be 5 in February, start school in August, and leave me home alone - with only the dogs.  I know that it is months away, but I am already having a hard time thinking about sending him off to school.   He's been with me every day of his life except for Girl Scout camp when I was gone two nights and once or twice when he spent the night at my mom's.  He's my little sweet heart...he tells me I'm pretty several times a day, that he loves me, that I'm his favorite Mommy in all the life.  He's my little ball of energy, the house is never quiet when he's awake!  I'm so going to miss him when he starts school next year.

I guess all of these realizations is making me more aware of how much we need to cherish each and every day that we have.  Yesterday's gone...and tomorrow may never be mine...so for my sake, teach me to take, one day at a time.

Opposites Attract/The Man Behind the Scenes

I have been planning this blog in my head and had it narrowed down to two possible titles.  As you can see, I couldn't decide so I am using them both...This is the story of a man and a woman...they met in college, got hitched after graduation, got a dog, had two kids, got another dog, and are still going strong.  How does a couple such as Erin and Brad stay together...Two words:  Opposites Attact

I'm not sure if we were so opposite when we met, many years ago.  We both were working towards a common goal:  College Graduation.  We were both young, (skinny too!), enjoyed the likes of Garth Brooks, going to the movies, etc.

Erin and Brad in college - dressed for the Christmas dance - Awww

Nowadays, however, we seem to be very opposite.  Here are a few of the things that we differ on:

• Music - Brad has turned into a heavy rocker kind of guy.  He enjoys the music that makes me want to bash my head into a wall.  Don't get me wrong, I do like some of the same music that he does, but not a lot of it.  I like the more "pop" kind of music and I also love me some Bluegrass-Gospel music too.   Of course, I am in the car with the kids 99% of the time, so I listen to a lot of Kidz Bop and things too.
• House Decor - Our opinions on how the house should be decorated is another difference we have.  I am into more of the country/primitive sort of stuff, while he wants to buy the most fancy looking stuff he can find.  I don't do fancy.  I am a plain, cheap girl and fancy just doesn't fit my taste.  Brad thinks that every wall needs a picture hanging on it.  He thinks that every window needs curtains, while I am content with the mini blinds.  He would put up border in every room we have if I would go along with it.  
• Home Cleanliness - This might be our biggest obstacle in our marriage.  I know a lot of people have money issues, we have clean issues.  Our house is NOT nasty, it is NOT dirty...we have two kids and two dogs that are always getting their toys out, leaving crumbs behind, etc.  I try to clean the house, I really do, but after so many times of picking up the same crap and 5 minutes later it gets messed up, you get tired of doing it.  My goal for our house is to keep us clothed, fed, and dishes available for us to use.  If these things are done, then I feel we are OK.  Brad is the total opposite.  For him, there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place.  He hates that I put Leah's school stuff on the counter in the kitchen.  If someone is coming over, he wants the house to be spotless, nothing in the floor, nothing on the counters, etc.  We battle about this on a regular basis!  LOL!
• Socializing - I am a very social person, I could talk to anybody I think.  Brad, on the other hand, is very quiet around people that he doesn't know, and sometimes around those that he DOES know!  I enjoy people, I enjoy chatting and visiting with them.  Bradley is content to watch TV all day and I don't think it would bother him one bit not to speak to anyone if he didn't have to.   I tell him all the time that he is anti-social...he says, "No, I just don't like people."  LOL.  Go figure.
• Family functions - I enjoy family functions, whether it is going somewhere with our kids or a family get together with our family...I love to get together, talk, eat, laugh, etc.  I realize that life is short and I want to spend it with the family while we can.  You never know when you might lose someone.  Brad is more of a home-body and doesn't enjoy the family stuff like I do.
• Church - I love going to church.  I love the singing, I love the fellowship, I love the atmosphere.  Brad does not enjoy singing, nor does he like it when people speak to him.  (Back to the antisocial-ty that I just mentioned above - LOL)
• Food - Another one of our constant battles.  Brad loves him some food, but he wants what he calls "good food."  I'm still not exactly sure what he qualifies as "good food."  My goal is to fix food that the kids will eat.  It seems that no matter what I fix, he doesn't really like it.   Occasionally, I will fix something that he approves of, but that usually means the kids are eating SpaghettiO's due to not liking what I fixed.   As long as my kids eat and are full, I figure that he is a grown man and can fix himself something if he gets hungry enough.  Let me also mention that Brad does not know how to operate the microwave to warm up his food (so he claims...)  He will go without eating unless I warm up his food for him.  (Can we say SPOILED???!!!  LOL).

I'm sure that there are more differences that we have, but this blog can not go on forever.  It amazes me that we can be so different, yet we are happy and content with each other.  Things can get hectic sometimes, we get mad at each other, but we also have a lot of fun together!   He can be one of the funniest and goofiest people I know at times.  I love to torture him, buy things that annoy him, and do things that aggravate him.   He hates my scarecrows that I have out for Fall...so what do I do???  Buy more scarecrows!!!  It keeps the relationship fresh :)  

The "man behind the scenes" of the Johnston family is a hard working man, he is a good Daddy, and a good provider and hubby.  I can't say that he's a good daddy to the animals though because they really annoy him and he thinks that the dogs stink all the time - LOL.   Through all the years we've been together, we have grown apart in some ways and our differences have increased, but we've also grown closer in other ways too.  Here's to Brad Johnston - my opposite, my hubby!!!  

Girlie, I think not...

Guess what folks?  My nails are painted.  Oh yes they are.  I painted Leah's last night and, in return, she wanted to do mine.  I debated and debated and finally let her.  I normally don't wear nail polish on my fingers.  It drives me crazy, and I'm not sure why.  Perhaps it is because I equate nail polish with being girlie, and I - my friends - am far from girlie.  

I think that I used to be a bit girlie when I was younger.  I liked to wear dresses and skirts and even wore heels. Now, I can twist my ankle just wearing tennis shoes.   I wouldn't mind being girlie, but there's a big problem:  I don't know how!  My hair, bless my heart, might be some of the worst hair in the world.  I have fought my natural curl/wave/frizz for YEARS, but have recently tried to embrace it.  With lots of mousse and gel, I can get it to curl without too much frizz, but then it looks hard and crunchy all day.  It is a no win situation.  I just have crappy hair genes.  

Make up is another girlie procedure that I am not good at.   I wear foundation - to cover the zits.  I wear mascara because my eye lashes are blond and without the mascara, I look like I am missing my eye lashes.   I wear powder  to cover the zits even more.   I have tried to do eye shadow but it just never looks right when I do it.   Lipstick - oh my mercy - if I put it on, I spend the next few hours constantly licking, trying to get every speck of it off.

I don't really have girlie clothes either, probably because I don't want to spend the money on them.  I like stuff, but I like it cheap!  It seems that the more girlie the clothes are, the more expensive they are.

Sigh.  I might be a girl by gender, but I am not good at it.  I guess I'll just continue to be me...plain ole' Erin who wears foundation, mascara, powder, and clearance rack clothes!  Woot!

Thank you for your time.  

Hugs and Prayers

I have recently read through some of the letters that my Granny wrote me while I was in college.  She was so good to write me, I'd get a few letters a week, and it always brightened my day to see her handwriting when I opened our mailbox at 7605 College Station Drive (Woo hoo - I'm happy I remembered that!)  Most of her letters were full of general day-to-day happenings of her and Grandad - what they'd been up to, what they were doing that week, etc.  Some were full of tidbits of gossip.   It is such a joy to be able to read back through these letters!  Some days, I miss that woman so much it is unreal.  Even after 4 1/2 years, it still hurts to know that she's gone.

Almost all of Granny's letters were ended the same way:  "Hugs and Prayers,"  Granny and Grandad.  I know that my Granny was one of the most faithful people in the world.  Even through her pains, and she had many of them, she never wavered in her faith.  It kept her going.  I know that she prayed for me, and I am sure that it got me through many a difficult times.  When I read her letters, sometimes I think that I'd do anything to have one more hug from her...and to see her praying one more time...sometimes when I read her letters, I can hear her voice in my head.  What a warm reminder of her!  I hope that I never forget what her voice sounded like.

This is highlighted in Granny's Bible.  I am so happy to know that
she's "Dwelling in the house of the Lord forever."  

I have lots of VHS footage with her in it and today, I decided to play one that I remember well...I tried to record it with my digital camera, so the sound quality might not be the greatest, but at least I got to see her, and got to hear her voice again.

Hugs and Prayers - what a great motto to live by!!!  

Love and Miss You, Granny!

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the fat cells on my rear...

Sigh.  I am sad to be posting a blog about being fat.  I used to be skinny, a long time ago.  I really did.  Looking at me now, you'd never believe that I was.  Did I ever, in a million years, think I'd be the size I am today?  Of course not.  Sometimes I look at the love handles, the cellulite, and the stretch marks and wonder what in tarnation happened to my once toned, tanned, and skinny body.  One word:  KIDS!!!

Proof that, once upon a time, I was skinny

I don't guess I can really blame the kids, when I stop and think about it.  I chose to have the kids.  I love my kids.  I would do anything for my kids.  What I didn't notice, until now, is that in loving and taking care of my kids, I neglected to take care of myself.  Without even realizing it, the weight has just added up over the years.  Now, here I am.  Trying to begin a new quest to get in better health, eat better, and loose some of the horrid weight.  As someone who loves food - I swear it is in my genes to eat! - this is proving to be a task for me.  

My sweet babies did a number on my body.

Leah (5 years in the picture) was 8lbs 8ozs when she was born

Logan (8 months in this picture) was 9lbs 11 1/2ozs when he was born

Getting older is hard so far.  Granted, we are all in relatively good health and don't have any major health problems.  However, the little things do make a difference.  For me, this summer has been a turning point.  In May, I went to the doctor and had a terrible ear infection.  Once it cleared up, the dizziness set in.  Physical therapy, lots of doctors appointments, and finally - right as Leah went back to school, I felt better...for a couple of weeks...and then another ear infection.  I am still battling some slight dizziness but am hopeful that it will continue to improve.  At the doctor appointment before I started therapy, the doctor said that if the dizziness didn't start to get better that we would do an MRI to rule out a mass.  That scared the snot out me.  I guess, I should be thankful that he said that because it really made me step back and look at my life and my health.  I realized that I don't want to be a fat person anymore.  I want to be healthy.  I know I will never be skinny again, but I do want to loose some weight.  Mainly, I want to LIVE!   What good is giving your life to raising your kids if you aren't around to SEE your kids grow up?!!

It is sort of ironic that, as mom's, we dedicate our lives to our children, but don't realize that we are sacrificing our lives in the process.  I guess we just really need to find a balance between caring for our children AND ourselves.  I am hopeful that I am on the right path and can keep up the healthier eating and drop a few pounds.  I am sure positive that this won't be an easy road, but I am ready to head down it!!!

Mama got some new kicks...

I am a woman.  We are supposed to LOVE shoes.  My daughter loves shoes.  My mama loves shoes.  I am not into shoes.  Today, however, I had to buy me some new shoes.  My New Balance had plastic pieces in the heel that pinched/scraped me every time I walked and the sole was coming off of them.  They'd served their purpose for quite awhile.  I tend to wear my shoes until they are either too embarrassing to wear in public or they fall apart.

Since I am not into shoes, I usually don't have trouble finding shoes.  Went to Rack Room today, found a pair of Nikes in about 10 minutes.  Tried them on and woo hoo!  Since Rack Room offers buy 1 get 1 half off, I thought I should get myself another pair since I was in there.  That's when I saw the Converse.  I had a pair of Chuck Taylors in highschool/college and I loved them so very much.  They are so not girlie, but still cute I think.

The state of KY better watch out, with these new shoes, there's no telling what I might accomlish!  LOL!

Out with the old!!!

In with the new!

Holla for new kicks!!!